How It Develops​

Dismissive-avoidant (DA) attachment develops in childhood as a response to caregivers who prioritized independence over emotional connection. These children often experienced emotional neglect or were discouraged from expressing their feelings.

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Common Childhood Experiences

• Parents were emotionally unavailable and unable to attune to child's needs

• Emotional needs were ignored or met with indifference (“Stop crying, you’re fine”)

• Expressing emotions led to punishment or rejection

• An overemphasis on self-sufficiency, encouraging independence at a young age

• Self-numbing through activities or objects

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Over time, these children learn that relying on others for emotional support is unsafe or unreliable. Instead, they become highly independent and suppress their emotional needs.

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Core Wounds of DAs

Your beliefs shape your experiences, and avoidant attachment is rooted in deep-seated fears - core wounds.​

• "Something is wrong with me." – Feeling unseen or rejected in childhood leads to self-protection through emotional distance.

• "I am unsafe." 

• "I am trapped."

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These beliefs create barriers to emotional intimacy and make vulnerability feel uncomfortable or threatening.​

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Behaviors in Relationships

As a dismissive avoidant, you may:

• Prioritize independence over emotional closeness

• Struggle to express or even recognize your own emotions

• Feel overwhelmed when people rely on you

• Avoid difficult conversations and conflict

• Be highly sensitive to criticism

• Engage in relationships on a surface level rather than deeply connecting

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Because emotional closeness wasn’t modeled as safe in childhood, DAs often struggle to open up, leading to challenges in long-term relationships.

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The Positive Side

Despite challenges with intimacy, DAs have strengths that contribute to healthy relationships:

• Respect for Boundaries – They naturally honor personal space and autonomy.

• Self-Sufficiency – They take pride in their independence and are not ones to control others either.

• Loyalty & Commitment – Once trust is built, they are deeply dedicated partners.

• Strong Sense of Identity – They maintain individuality and avoid codependency.

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By recognizing their patterns and working toward emotional openness, DAs can build fulfilling, secure relationships while maintaining their need for independence.